Love: Spectrum of emotions

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~Rumi

This legend understood it in the 13th Century which most of the so-called-sophisticated-educated people of heterosexual hegemonic regime cease to understand. Or we don't have the mettle to understand it, whatever it is but something is really disturbing in our understanding of love, to be precise in the understanding of same-sex love. 

I see people eyeing on any gay couple walking down the street (A crude judgement here). One of my friends has a man purse and whenever he meets me in the metro, people leave everything important and unimportant and would stare at us like we're aliens.

I have almost overheard many saying, "Ye Ladki wala purse kyun le rakha hai ladke ne", "Dusre k pass nahi hai, dost hain?".

[Note: This article has been originally titled, If Homosexual Love Isn’t Love, Who Defines What Is?, published by Youth Ki Awaaz. (Read it here) It's 24th of February 2018 when I just stumbled upon my drafts and I found this piece.
Now I've a similar man-purse and people eye on me. It's fresh in my memory, how a person scanned me from head to toe and then with skewed head checked out my bag. Gosh! I simply thought wtf! Do you seriously doubt that a 'man' can't carry this bag?
Also, I want the reader to note that while I wrote this post, I was a closeted homosexual and I was having my own experiences and struggles, it wasn't clear to me if I was Gay or Bisexual. But now I'm out. And I do wish to emphasise here is that your sexual orientation is not fixed, it's fluid in nature. Or I feel like this. Just a thought, felt like sharing. Read-on.]

I mean, brother, man, whoever you are. Do my/his clothes and bag which I'm carrying will give you an idea about my/his sexuality! Okay, even if it does. Then What? 

I believe in a very simple logic, if you have a problem, say it. If you have a confusion, get it cleared. If you have any doubt, ask. We're so open to questions, man! I'm sure if you'll ask my friend, he can get your cobwebs cleared. Ask me I'll counsel like a hetero, but fucking reserve your scary stare with yourself.

Whatever blurb is given above can be called an epilogue to the movie, Weekend I watched a month ago. Not even Indians but wherever this heteronormativity principle rules a society, and people are guided by it then all the fellows who found themselves falling in the cohort of LGBTQIA+ people will be reprimanded, not accepted and would be subject to all kinds of abuse.

A very poignant narrative of a lifeguard Russell (Tom Cullen) and an artist Glen (Chris New), this movie is directed deftly by Andrew Haigh.

Why I choose to write this blurb was to put things in perspective. Because there are so many reasons for men or women who are homosexuals for being closeted. One of the major factors is family and society. (Having said that it shouldn't be the reason why one should remain closeted!)

Russell is a closeted individual while Glen is openly gay who came out before his parents at the age of sixteen on Mother's day. Russell couldn't share this because he is raised in foster homes. After attending a gay party in a club. Russell and Glen are in former's bedroom (probably after sex). In the morning, Glen began to record and ask Russell all that happened last night. It might be his habit to tape-record the encounters but he presents an explanation that it is an art project for which he records all the events.

He wanted to record these conversations like Russell does but differently, he saves it in his laptop, probably a diary entry.

Suddenly, Glen climbs down the bed whispering to Russell, "Did you hear that?"

Someone is shouting outside, 'Queer'. Imagine someone living fourteen floors above the ground and a random jerk is shouting 'Queer'. What sense does it make? It's the daily abuse which a homosexual has to bear. 

Glen gives a strong reply but Russell was so afraid that he wanted him to shut the window and return. After normal talks, Glen is about to leave. There's a parallel which is shown in here, near the elevator, a straight couple, boy, and girl are bidding farewell to each other and they kiss. Glen is looking expectantly at Rusell but he knows that he is a little afraid of expressing love openly. He smirks and says, 'See you soon!'.

The highlight of the upcoming scene is the bicycle ride which Russell challenges to Glen, "Want a backies?" And they have great fun having a ride. 

The interesting thing which got me the most were the discussion between them on Sofa. Russell is re-directing the conversation to the tape-recording which Glen has been doing thus far in the movie. Not aggressively but this activity by Glen is noticeable.

Russell: It's for an art project, Yeah?Glen: Yeah.
R: So, Is that What you want to be, you want to be an artist?
G: Kind of.
R: So, and you really don't have to tell me, how is your tape art project just going to be an art project and not people talking dirty?
You know what I mean.G: It's just I'm not sure if... (Grunts)
.. people want to hear about the random sex life of strangers. You just don't want people to hear about your sex life.
R: That's true.G: Imagine if everybody was just open about what they did and that everything was normal.
R: Yeah, but people are open, aren't they?G: Are they?
Gay people never talk about it until it's a cheap innuendo.
It's like when you sleep with someone whom you don't know. It becomes this blank canvas and it gives you an opportunity to project onto that canvas who you want to be.
Well, what happens is, while you're projecting who you want to be, this gap opens up between who you want to be and who you really are, and in that gap, it shows you what's stopping you becoming who you want to be.
They'll go see movies of refugee, murder or rape. But gay sex? Oh, Fuck off!

I loved the argument when Glen was shouting at Russell and telling him that people compromise they can't bear all that by being themselves. No one is themselves. They compromise.

We do compromise, don't we? 

[I don't know, it may be a generalisation if people compromise or not but it is sure that people learn to doubt love when they do not love because they haven't started accepting them for who they are. It may be preposterous to say this but I somehow feel in my heart of hearts that this is indeed true.]

Besides this argument, my personal favourite is this humorous answer to his parents, by Glen was, when he came out and they obviously were disturbed about their child: 

I told them nature or nurture, it's your fault so get over it!

What makes me write this?

I attended a talk event at Indian Habitat Centre which was titled, 'Beyond 377.'

The panelists included a gay magazine founder, an advocate, two civil society individuals working in their own capacity to aware people and help sexual minority community.

During the discussions/ panellist and audience interaction, one individual who has authored a book recently shared his views but it turned out to be a confession. The book which he has written is about a homosexual relationship. The book is received quite well. And he happened to find this book with her daughter. 

[He wrote the book under a pseudo-name so as to hide his real identity from his family]

He shared that he happened to be well settled and married. He has a 15-year-old daughter now. He was kind of unsure about his sexuality at the time of his marriage or probably he knew but hid from his family. But now, he feels like that he is a homosexual and doesn't know how to perform his sexuality. What can he do? He said that he is attracted to men and worries how to confess this to his wife. And what and how would her daughter react when she finds that the book which she is reading is written by her father, her father who happens to be a gay? How his wife is going to react after years of relationship with her husband only to find him gay now?

Let me take a break and draw your attention to this:

'It's fine yaar! We can't judge anyone that was love, c'mon. He happened to be married to this X woman and now after, okay it's fine after 15 years he happens to fall in love with another woman. What's the harm in it? That's love. Why do we fail to understand?'

Well, this is the kind of liberal statement which you can hear from any sophisticated individual about a hetero-guy falling for a woman after years of marriage?

How about applying this logic in our author's case? 

His 'love' is a 'lesser love' than the 'cool dude's' love?

Is this more complicated or that one?

Whatever it may be, I do understand that the situation is not easy either for the wife or for daughter, but I do wish to stress upon the point that this is the nature of our society. We tend to brush a genuine attraction towards boys as just being 'wild' or a 'teenage innuendo'. 

[Reflecting it upon my piece now, after having come out, I see things extremely differently and personally. One of my best friends, I choose not to name him, happen to discuss my sexuality to his mother, for we're friends and just that, he's straight; her mother refused to talk about the subject after a point of time. According to my friend, the threshold reached way early than he anticipated. She began by defending that that I, his friend, is just confused, it happens but it's not like that this thing is true that he's gay or whatever. I empathise with her situation as well, she has lived all her life in a small-town, not patronizing here, it is expected. But this situation is prevalent in almost all cities, big or small, in all strata of society be it upper, middle or lower.]

What idea of love do you have?

I do wish to learn about your idea of love. Or do you think it is different being gay or lesbian? Is it different being a homosexual?

I do not know how to end this but I do know how to progress this discussion and I shall leave it here for you to participate.

It's for an art project, yeah?

- Yeah.

be, you want to be an artist?

So is that what you want to

don't have to tell me,

Kind of.
So, and you really

just going to be an art projectIt's for an art project? Yeah.

how is your tape art project

and not people talking dirty?

You think talking

You know what I mean.

about sex is dirty?

...people want to hear about the

It's just I'm not sure if...
(Grunts)

You just don't want people

random sex life of strangers.
hearing about your sex life.

about what they did and

That's true.
Imagine if everybody
was just open

- Are they?

that everything was normal.
- Yeah, but people are open, aren't they?


Read more: http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=weekend

You, like,


become this blank canvas


and it gives you an opportunity to project

onto that canvas who you want to be.

because everybody does it.

And that's what's interesting,
- So, do you think that I did it?

who you want to be,

- Course you did.
Well, what happens is,
while you're projecting

and in that gap, it shows you

this gap opens up between
who you want to be
and who you really are,

All of that from

what's stopping you becoming
who you want to be.
And all of this from
talking about sex?

Read more: http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=weekendIt's for an art project, yeah?

talking about sex.
Interesting.
I like it.

- Yeah.


So is that what you want to


be, you want to be an artist?

Kind of.
So, and you really

how is your tape art project

don't have to tell me,

and not people talking dirty?

just going to be an art project
You think talking

It's just I'm not sure if...

about sex is dirty?
You know what I mean.
(Grunts)

You just don't want people

...people want to hear about the
random sex life of strangers.

about what they did and

hearing about your sex life.
That's true.
Imagine if everybody
was just open

Read more: http://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=weekend

that everything was normal.
- Yeah, but people are open, aren't they?
- Are they?