10 years down the line: You'll laugh at your problems!

I would refrain from building up a narrative about the mysterious events happened to us in the summer of 2008, Let me come straight to the point that, It’s class 10th in 2008, My father died in a car accident on 1st June 2008, and our lives, Me, my brother, sister, and my mother (how should I describe it?), we all  were left hapless, tormented and depressed. Let’s put it this way that 'we lost hope!'.

Needless to make a point that how and in what ways a dear kid would miss his father. I went mad at that time, I wanted to see him, I was away from home for a month. That was during summer vacations and I was at my aunt’s house. I wanted to see him, touch him and say a few things, hear him. There were umpteen number of times when I thought, "I'll be unable to fulfill my duty as a son: I don't even know his last wish!" and similar thoughts which demanded him. There were occasions when I'd miss him: Results, PTMs (He would rarely come except the final results) and other functions where I'd be honored. 

I'd miss him coming upstairs and stealing a look at me and smirking to see me still studying. I'd reciprocate with a smile. I'd miss him praising me in front of his colleagues and would miss that proud moment. I would miss those "Tiny beautiful things" and perfect moments of growing up as a kid.

I don’t know what to say but I wanted him! He’s my father, how could he be taken away from me, I cursed God, called him names, wanted to know the reason why he can't be here, wanted to tell him that I had made a collage for their (My parents) upcoming marriage anniversary and on and on. 

It's exam times, though I studied real hard, I had a reputation of an achiever. I did complete every assignment. I just didn't accept that sympathy of a fatherless kid and doing a compromised job. I performed even better in everything. By this time I overcame my phobia of Public Speaking. But there were many questions which were left unanswered. Plea left unattended. A child willing to be loved, craving for that praise before his uncles. A child who wanted that like his friends, his father should accompany him to his 'CBSE Class X Board examination centre'. He wanted everything which a kid could ask for. Amidst this rage and wanting him to be there, I started hating everyone at home. I started hating my brother because everyone would say 'he looks a lot like Rajesh(My father's name)', 'Papa pe gaya hai', 'Chota wala thoda nansaari hai'. These words would add fuel to the fire. There's uncontrollable rage in me. Frustration and anger. I was struggling with Bronchitis as well, and would admit that I was depressed at that time, I just couldn’t handle that loss.

One day I decided to leave home, Once I decided to take my own life (I wouldn't like to elaborate it: Maybe some other time or when I write a book!). I made a ruckus, had fights with almost everyone and every god damn it bullshit thing which I could possibly do to gratify that teen rage. One day when I was attempting to leave home after a fight with my brother, I cursed my mother as well for taking his side. Weeping, I was finding my slippers. My mother (a strong woman, as we all have a goddess in flesh and blood with us, always) said to me, in a tone which was not demanding and not pleading, It was intense.

Mother: “Come here!”

I: “No! I want to fucking leave this place.”

She: “Leave! Your father left, unceremoniously, you also leave. Go!”

I: “Alright.” Then she started to murmur something and I don’t know what happened but I cared to listen to it.

She: “To die is easy but to live is the tougher job!”

She continued saying things (I remember this line like anything that It did change everything I was about to do! :) ) and I’ll put roughly all of it, paraphrasing it.

She: “Yes, Anyone can. To take lives is easy stuff, You can do it, go and get yourself in the middle of the road and get yourself killed. Leave without even realising that It’s our responsibility to run this place as your father did. Ruin everything which your father has left for us. Go on, do it! But remember, If you’re my child, stayed 9 months inside me and our child, Let me say it, “We’re not here to do easy things! It’s life, we’ve to push ourselves to our limits to make it happen for him. To die is easy but to live is the tougher job! you’re my kid, my son, Not born to do easy things. Are you?” I can die too, What should I live for? What do I’ve? Look, I just lost the person whom I love and have worshipped, But you know what “I’ll LIVE! because I’ve promised him.”because I’m strong and his wife. I’ll, for me and for him. How could I even think of letting it go? I Won’t!”

I listened to all of it putting half of my weight on the door and weeping continuously then slowly I grabbed a seat on the sofa and then I went to her, hugged her and cried like anything. I shouted, had almost shouted at top of my lungs while weeping in her lap. I could feel neighbours coming to their balcony to have a look what's happening but I wept and 'A lot!'. Non-stop, for almost half an hour, I kept on crying. And she sat still, stroking my head gently and saying, “Never ever do this to yourself. You’re not weak Son! You’re strong, my child, our child.”

From that day, I won’t say that that thought never came back, It did, But now I can handle it and embrace it and let it go! And I learned to respond to situations and calls without reacting. And that made me stronger to not give up during the ebbs and flow of life. I went on to learn this simple thing. Now, I can really associate with what this (image below) feels like. Perhaps to stay strong and face everything as it comes would be my lesson for life: My mother's advice!

Those who have understood it are smiling now!