"When we are no longer able to change the situation- We are challenged to change ourselves" -
Viktor E. Frankl
There are sometimes when you come up with this thought that you should 'bare it all'. Let the ink flow, let those darkest secrets be revealed and just let it go off your chest. There are these 'things' which we write in secret diaries and store them in secret places, for we think that that's my part which no one should ever know. I faced this conundrum recently, I've not penned down that incident ever. Neither talked about it to a bunch of best friends nor let even my diary know of this. And it came to me that I should not hold back and just let that incident come out of my chest straight to this blog.
That's when I realised 'I'm so weak!'. What is holding me back? There are N number of reasons and N number of justifications which I have for myself to not let it go from me but I do know it will come out sooner or later. In which form I don't know, when I don't know. But it's about time that I confess: I'm a weak man!
Indecisive. Irresponsible. Procrastinator. A coward!
- Indecisive because there are a lot of things which I wish to do but cannot take a decision on each of them. Unable to prioritise which I want immediately and which will eventually come so I need not worry much about it. Though I think that I do know about each one of them, yet I cannot decide, why?
- Because I'm a Coward. I fail to tell my family that 'this job sucks!'. I fail to tell them that 'I suffocate there'. I fail to convince them that 'I am capable of doing many things which will make me happy and will also, yes, feed my stomach as well'. And that it's better to do a less paying job than the one which is hurting your soul. I die each day. It's not a slow death even. It's a loop. A recurring situation:
8:30 AM: Leave home
9:30-9:40 AM: Arrive at office
9:40-6:00: Do Non-sense. Pretend you love non-sense. Listen to non-sense. Feel non-sense. And think every day that you'll be out of non-sense one day!
6:00 PM onwards: Reach home or go to any event you feel like. Watch a movie. Read a book. Write something. Eat and Sleep.
This shall continue and all this while we wait for the weekend in such a manner that we're not even living all these weekdays and only inhale on weekends. Booze is our panacea and bars our mecca. Friends our life till the time we're in bar and next day onwards: Normal. Yes, how abnormal it sounds that it's 'Normal!'
- Procrastinator because each day I think that that opportunity will knock at my door. I don't act much. I think I've lost confidence and that attitude to get things done now. It has been replaced by 'Kal karlenge'. Why? Am I entangled in this cobweb? Is there any way out? I keep on postponing things. I must act responsibly.
- And it's a responsibility to take care of my own self. I should be responsible for feeding my stomach and being happy. I think I'm irresponsible because I'm not doing anything about this phase of my life.
The best part is that I knew that's coming. I can recall the conversations with one of my best friend. And this lady told me maybe that can be a game changer. Maybe you'll like the work and make good money as well, so that you can fund your own education afterwards or whichever way you like. And I could only come up with: 'Yaar you don't know, I've a feel. I'll be destroyed!'
And then I was thinking to write my next blog entry when I embraced this thought to 'bare it all!' But I just couldn't summon up my nerves to do so. Meanwhile, I was talking to two of the gorgeous ladies about this dilemma to write or not. And both said: YES!
However, I did against the advice. Like I always do! But with one of them, while conversing, we both sensed that both of us are not willing to settle in our present states and must do something about it. We certainly are putting efforts to keep ourselves going, 'fighting a good fight' in the words of Coelho.
Sometimes such conversations are priceless. At times of distress, you're talking to someone and all this heaviness seems to disappear when you have got a good conversationalist. He/She can actually make you feel good. And those are the moments to be cherished. I remember many of those occasions when I've talked to someone and they felt lighter and some have shared their piece of mind and enjoyed my company. And this is the account of such a conversation with my senior friend: Ms Versha Arora mam (hereinafter Versha).
She asked me everything about the job and all. And I, which I don't usually do, gave a descriptive answer to this 'not meant t be this serious question': How're you?
I actually replied like frustrated Ved in Tamasha! But the chat went on. And this is where it got me interesting and we were actually talking:
Versha: Need to support our families now! (With emoticons. I'm not doing that!)
Me: I feel this is the phrase which is holding us back from achieving our dreams
And after that, we discussed, mainly 'practical' inputs from her side and then after a few messages.
Versha: Where do you think you can settle? [But I can't settle in defence too (My message)] This!!
Me: I don't want to actually settle
Kabhi bhi nahi
Not one profession
Not one city
Versha: Then?
Me: A year everywhere
yeahh...
Someday ya to kch hojayega ya meri khabar ayegi (with emojis)
Versha: Ohhh bhai (emojis: We're using a lot'em)
Bhaisahab kitaabe ayengi kitaabe
Jinhe padhte padhte readers alag duniya me chale jayenge
Me: Dekho aisa ho jaye
Kisi ki duniya banti hai, Kisiki bigadti hai, Koi apni banate banate kisiki bigaad deta hai,
koi barbadi ka bhi jashn mana leta hai..ye sukoondil ka hai, warna bhuka bhi hawa se kaam chala leta hai
Versha:Isi ki toh baat hai saari
Yeh maan jaaye toh baat hi kya ho
Isey hi toh behlana padta h Zindgi bahut khubsurat h janab yeh toh khwahishen h jo jeene nhi deti
Me: Yo Bahut bahut khoobsurat
Ik bageecha sa hai bahut acchi khusboo hai har jagah
Kch log ik phool ko lekar baith gaye hai mjhe gila nahi Par mjhe toh guldaste ki aadat hai
Ik aad phool se man nahi behlta
Versha: Guldasta bhi milega..par ek ek phool mil kr hi guldaste ko banayega
Me: Yes uske liye har jagah jana padega na wahi th mera maali mjhe saankar se baandh gaya ha Or khta hai is phol ki khusboo acchi hai yahi sunngh
Versha: Toh yeh guldaste ka khwab aaya kaise...Iss mali k pohdhe ko.. baaki khushbuon ka ehsaas aakhir hua kaise
Me: Ye jo paudha hai na Wo yahaan se phle ik anokhe jungle me tha wahaan tarha tarah k ghumakkad ate they Unki alag alag khusbuye alag alag andaaz use bahut bhate they Fir najane kaise uski jab need khuli ik pehar toh wo kya dekhta hai ki wo is naye bageeche me tooh hai Par yahaan use khusbooyen toh acchi ati hain par ghutan hai Yahan log wo ghumkaad nahi hai Yahaan toh log dhikawati saer karne ate hain Yahaan wo dilfaenk aashique nahi aate yahana Apni zindagi ki takleefon ko lekar thake hare log aate hain jo subah ki kirno me is naye din ke liye urja lete hain Mjhe is khusboo me unko dakhlandaazi nahi pasand Upar se maali usne jitna paani pilaya tha usse jyada chaaya wasool karni hai Or mjhe saankar se bhi baandh diya Par me fir khta hum ik roz kahin or uthunga Kisi naye baagh me Naye bageeche me
Versha: Toh yeh poodha kb tk iss ghutan me phasa rhega Wo subah yeh podha kb dekhega Kb tk wo iss dikhwati saer krne walo k beech rhega
Me: Pata nahi Ab toh dhoop bhi chubti hai is paudhe ko
Versha: Niklna hga.. :)
'Niklna hga..." True that. And I can only hope that this happens. That I wake up in a different place. For that to happen I must keep on dreaming, I dream because this hope is alive. I keep on fanning my flames, I will keep on doing things which can make me much stronger than I am. I'll not be weak anymore.
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