How I became a Chinese bamboo?

We’ve stories to tell all of us, when we succeed in something it turns into a success story or when things don’t turn the way we ought to be, well that’s projected as ‘tragic’. But all our failures are our experiences and must be cherished at all times. And I’m proud to learn that I’ve been a failure and on the contrary, I’ve conquered what is touted as “World’s biggest fear- The fear of public Speaking”.

“The number one fear in life is public speaking, and the number two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than giving the eulogy” ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I wasn't aware of this public speaking stuff. What is it? A kind of syndrome or what? These are the questions which I can ask now when I know precisely what it is and how it feels like to be a failure on stage and to rock the stage. 

First time I experienced this was when I was asked to speak in front of approximately 50 students, as a newcomer I was asked to introduce myself and I was accompanied by three other fellows. We were two boys and two girls and trust me our conditions was like that of pre-sex hesitation; entirely new but necessary. It opens up(Oh! Please forget the analogy now) isn't it?

It was hardly a difficult question right?! Of course, you’re asked to introduce the person whom you know the best- Yes, Sherlock! – Yourself. Here Myself. But if you find yourself tongue-tied? A sweat-drenched from your neck down the spine to your bottom making a cooler sensation coupled with your heart pounding to its limits like it’s about to leave your chest. Your legs dwindling like a string of guitars when played. Sweat covering your forehead and you go mute. What a sight?!

Actually, this happened to me in Class VIII when I was asked to introduce myself in ‘Personality Development’ class. Like seriously, first let me be comfortable with the class or be comfortable in speaking or not. But who cares? My trainer pulled me out of my comfort zone- the uncomfortable desks- and I was before the crowd. It's so different this being amongst the crowd and standing alone!

I was amazed this crowd looks so different now. I couldn’t remember how each of my friends looked like but I do remember everything in white (we had a white uniform in Green way that time) with black dots overhead. Numbness, trepidation and abominable lull would best describe the eeriness inside me. Fearful I was asked to introduce myself but I dared, I literally did and came up with my name in few moments and gradually I was comfortable in uttering a few sentences. I remember that we’re four newly admitted students and out of which only I spoke. But does it make the situation any better? Certainly not. I felt pathetic because I could see almost everyone comfortable in ‘speaking in English’ in personality development class that it was almost a complex or a status symbol to be amongst the best speakers, I obviously was not the part of the status quo. But I never gave up which was the turning point. It didn’t do well in my case(this will to address my fear immediately without learning what actually it is) because this audacity produced me before thousands of students and just after that I learned that everyone is laughing at me!

What actually happened?

How I became a Chinese Bamboo? | Courtesy: Unsplash

The turning point

I remember the time when I was in grade VII. And there’s a prayer, “All Indians are my brothers and sisters”. I can only remember this line plus that it has pronouns him /her and he/she for obvious binary genders which our society recognise. The blunder was when I went to stage along with the pupil who daily went to the stage to sing it. I was asked out of the blue by my beloved teacher (No sarcasm!). I did say ‘Yes’. It was so easy I’m singing it for almost my entire school life, can’t go wrong with this one. Obviously, back then this thought was non-existent. And then I went to the stage just to know that I’ve addressed myself in the entire prayer as “She/her”. In Hindi karungi, karti hun to be precise. How can I commit such a blunder? Actually, there’s a board on which that prayer was written and I was reading from same. And it was a sexist board for it only has feminine pronouns and hence the blunder. Cheer equality! I was the laughing stock. Those minutes were difficult to pass. It's like years had rolled on and the day was not passing! I was mocked, I was not feeling well in my own skin, hating myself. How can I do this to me? I was guilty, iniquitous and soon full of self-loathing.

Fast forward one year.

Now it was déjà vu when in my class VIII, new school, new class and I was asked to introduce myself and I felt that if something wrong happens, my life is ruined. But to my surprise, it was not that embarrassing. Then came an opportunity to address on stage, now this was a huge school, a big playground where morning assembly used to take place. And I did commit a silly mistake again. Now I dared not to step on stage. Obviously, I was feeling ashamed and reluctant to go to the stage but there wasn’t enough motivation from anywhere and I was unable to even express this before anyone.

Hope is a big thing. I do have a faith that if you really want to do something be it anything, the opportunity knocks, sometimes even more than once actually. There are omens you've got to follow. And above all hope for the best. Let me add though it's an old phrase but that doesn't less worthy to add: You've got to put in a lot of efforts along with your hope.

Then came Head boy elections.

I was in grade VIII and I sensed that there’s something strange in school’s air. There was only one conundrum at that point of time. It was who will be the Head boy and Head girl of session 2007-2008. Standard XII students were ebullient at this opportunity and after all the prelim stages, which I was not aware of at that time, came the final round, Speaking before the whole school and deliver a speech which could win the hearts of teachers, students, and principal alike. And after listening to everyone no one seemed as zealous as ‘Him’ (I wouldn’t take this liberty to mention his name without his consent, and so is the reason for neither mentioning the name of fellow newcomers nor teachers). The guy was a fireball. That speech resonated in my mind for almost a month. “This guy is a rock star, I’ll be the Head Boy as well in class XII”, I exclaimed out of sheer excitement and to which my fellows mocked with me giggling and calling names.

Little did I know that this mockery, this name calling, and that blunder would fuel me and I’d come out a better person than I was. I summoned up all my nerves, took all the broken pieces and started placing them differently. I asked a few questions to myself.

I: “Do you want to be like him?”

Me: Yeah!

I: “Do you know he was comfortable in speaking before thousands of people?”

Me: Yes, I do.

I: “Do you know how the crowd responded after he left the stage? Compare with yours.”

Me: (Unanswerable)

I: “It might happen that he has to struggle his own way to make it so far, just as you’re trying to do. Maybe he also faced humiliation and this name calling. Saurabh, No man can be great without mistakes. And baezatti karake hi aage badha jayega is field me toh.” (You’ll have to pull yourself from these insults to be a better person)

My mind was working in all direction, there was a scintilla of emotions. I cannot describe how I felt but I guess I analysed my situation and naturally developed a confidence self by doing these few things.

1. Did read the newspaper daily.

2. Always went for “Thought of the day” activity in class, mouthed the thought and explained it as well.

3. Never missed an opportunity to speak in public- Be it any small scale competitions, like classroom activities or big ones (at least at those times) like Zonal(s) or Inter-Zonal(s).

4. Started to visualise that when I’m speaking people are listening to me and when I’ve left they’re applauding me.

This was all I did, daily repeatedly one after another and it happened as we call it ‘vicissitude’. Things were going well with me. I won many zonal and Inter-zonal level competitions.

And the fateful day

It was mid- August and I again felt that I’ve experienced it before, of course, I have. It’s 2010 but I was in 2007. Head Boy elections. Everyone gave their names for the prestigious post of the student leader and also attached a document saying, “Why you want to be the Head boy” along with credentials and your leadership qualities, few occasions where you’ve represented the school. Everyone submitted theirs and I did mine. After this stage came personal interaction with Principal and I found that he’s not impressed with me because everyone rated themselves as 10 on 10 and I, 8 on 10. He asked me “Why 2 less than the others?” To which I ardently replied, “If I’m 10 on 10 then it means I’ll learn nothing from the post if I’m elected as Head Boy.”

I was through the personal interaction and then there was “Final Round- Address the school”. Phew! I was nervous, heart in my mouth, people are coming and going. Sometimes audience clapped, sometimes they booed. I didn’t know what will be the reaction to my speech. I did prepare a long one but spoke only a para or two. But I do remember when I ended with, “They that stand high have many blasts to shake them; and if they fall, they dash themselves to pieces.” And the audience roared and came my career’s first thunderous applause. I could see myself as the one who has already accomplished something before being named as the ‘Head Boy for session 2010-2011’. Yes, I did became the Head Boy and to which came an end of the self-loathing period of three years, those troughs and valleys of time really made me stronger.

Did I turn myself into an accomplished speaker?

Short Answer: No, Not Instantly.

Long Answer made short: Yes!

I did turn out as a celebrated speaker of my college but one day a realisation came. I went blank before the audience, my well-rehearsed declamation contest speech, “A tryst with destiny By Jawahar Lal Nehru” went wrong. I passed out and said “Sorry!” And left the room. I came to the washroom and cried like a bitch. As they say, “Be a Man and cry like a bitch!”

Indeed, that was my worst nightmare it’s similar to a cancer relapse. Of course, it is similar, a year before you nailed it and in a silly competition, you discovered that ‘at times you’ll forget speeches’. 

All these gyaans came through experience and experience only. I imagined how I'm going to present it; what I'm going to present it and before whom. But this was the first time something like this happened. I didn’t read any book on public speaking back then or any motivational novels. These all happened through experiences and these experiences were an outcome of my perseverance to fail repeatedly. The more I failed, the more I learned and become experienced. So experienced that in the second year of my college, I founded the college’s first debating club “Colloquy”. Yes, My College had nothing of this kind. No public speaking group or a debating society (Debsoc). It happened that I ran it until my final year 2016 as the founding president before passing the Beaton to my juniors. And organised college’s first debating fest ‘Ashwamedha’. A college which had no major debating prizes to its credit now had many. We participated in MUNs, Parliamentary Debates and also won in many. It was a dream for us. Where we wouldn’t get permission to open a club of this sort to one of the recognised clubs of the institute. It was indeed an achievement. This journey was not even thought of!

“Nothing will come easy in your way because you’re not made to do easy stuff”, my mother said this to me at times when I was fed up and wanted to end my life. [ http://rhapsodicalsaurabh.blogspot.in/2016/09/10-years-down-line-youll-laugh-at-your.html ] Well, you can’t even deduce those traces from this story but digest this fact. There was a multitude of layers many contributing factors during this time, the death of my father, then grandfather and a troubled relationship. All this coupled and the intensity manifolds. Though it might seem normal or regular stuff to others but for me, coming out of that phase, it was worth achieving.

I went to organise sessions where I taught ‘Public Speaking’, I was also part of the initiative of the Soft Skills department and trained students on ‘Presentation Skills and building Confidence’. These are the ‘Tiny beautiful things’ in my life that matters.

True people will call it an overnight success or would like this three or four-page story which actually was a struggle of ‘Eight’ long years.

Remember in life this, ‘Fear of Failure’ is the biggest not the ‘fear of public speaking’. You need to punch way above your weight to reach it. And it’s actually true that we’ll laugh at problems after say five or ten years from now. Because such problems are a minute before this giant life, we mustn’t think of ending this life because of such things. There’s no vestige for me to follow, strictly speaking, I got no help from home because I didn’t even share this problem. And of course I got the help from peers and teachers, but the one which counts is how you arrange your broken pieces. It’s what matters. You have to be patient with things. Nothing will happen as you like it always, ‘Instantaneously’.

To answer what do I mean by ‘Patience’. I’d like to quote Rahul Dravid- the Wall. “When I’m requested to speak to youngsters I like talking about this phase of my life and liken it to a fascinating plant: The Chinese bamboo. You can take a Chinese bamboo seed and plant it in the ground, water and nurture the seed for an entire year & not even see a single sprout. In fact, you’ll not see a sprout for 5 years. But suddenly, a tiny shoot will spring from the ground. And over the next six weeks, the plant can grow as tall as 90 feet. It can grow as fast as 39 inches every 24 hours. You can literally watch it grow.”

       “What was the plant doing these 5 years, seemingly a dormant period? It was growing its roots. For full 5 years, it was preparing itself for rapid, full growth. Without its root structure, the plant simply couldn’t support itself for its future growth. Some would say the plant grew 90 feet in six weeks, I would say it grew in 5 years and 6 weeks.”

Now, it’s up to you, and this choice always has been with you. No one else can’t exercise it. Do you want to become an unwanted weed or The Chinese bamboo?


PS: This article cum personal journey as a public speaker got published in an anthology book named, "Blues under the Silver hues" edited by Dr Preeti Chitkara, the book has over 42 chapters. All of these, 42 entries were invited from students, teachers and all those who had a personal/ real life story to share as a part of an initiative to address the issue of students/aspirants committing suicides in Kota.